Still Alive

i was told to keep a journal. since i cant bring myself to write and i find that typing is simply faster id rather go about it in this sense. my thoughts my feelings my actions. today i hung out with madeline for the first time in a very long time. and the last time we hung out it was not a good time. i ruined all of her fun. i couldnt control my anxiety and i shut down. being around her again was the most liberating feeling iv felt in a very long time. shes all that causes the sun to shine in my bleak world. she is also the only one that can cause natural disasters in my life. because of such a thing i cant get over my love for her nor do i want to. this sounds callous but iv resigned myself to the fact that im going to love her until i die. these past 5 years didnt stop us from associating. i constantly am wondering what is madeline doing. does she think of me the way i think of her. is she alright. has anyone hurt her. if so where can i find them type stuff. she actually makes me smile. i like to think that when she smiles around me that it is if anything for the most part a real smile. i wish i could stop being fucking nuts so that madeline and i could get along better. i know that its mainly problems on my end. im too quick to suspect her of anything and everything.. those emotions of confusion and frustration build up and burst out in of course the most frustrating ways. due to this i keep going in between wanting to live so maybe i can become someone she wants to be with or if i should just end my life because i want to love her more but i panic over our stupid past i just want us to be able to be happy and together if best. those are my thoughts feelings and actions. madeline.

Last Call

I hope no one finds this before i want them to. but im posting it as that "last cry" thing in ass backwards hope that someone will stop me? not sure. i dont want to be stopped. i just want the world to stop. sadly the world doesnt stop it involves stopping myself.

for those times that you look back on your life and say. yeah. i like to say i had a decent run. life for some isnt that hard. life for others is just a little harder. then it comes down to the psyche of the person. some people are stronger than others while of course others are weaker than others. i have been consistently finding myself in the category of the latter lately and instead of my standard revulsion im accepting of it. yes i know its wrong for such thoughts but i cant help myself anymore. getting help was a cool idea. but never an actual concept. i sadly am too arrogant to think i would benefite from any form of help. iv spent most of my life trying to help others while keeping my distance. that has of course backfired spectacularly mainly after i hit the point of i cant even help myself. iv been cataloging my thoughts these past few days attempting to find any irregularities that would signify to my that there is a reason to keep on chugging along but as it stands i simply have no want to keep on going. every day has been consistently bad. the only solace i hold is that i just keep asking myself if im going to see my 23rd birthday and that calms me. sadly that works every time all the time now. over the past week iv noticed that i see no reason to want of this lifestyle or this planet or this reality. iv tried. iv fucked up. iv decided nothing is worth it. im aware im selfish. i know that there are other ways out of this hell i feel but i dont want out. i used to. there was a time where i was suicidal fairly regularly and it was a pain in the ass. i eventually got to a point where i would sit down and say you know what life can be worth living. now with all obstetricals out of my way i feel like its not worth it any more. iv done a magnificent job of making sure no one checks on me. no one watches me. everyone i associate with is convinced that im the most rock steady person they know. altho i believe that to be true simply due to my arrogance again. so here i am in the last month of my 22nd year wondering will i take that last step and say fuck all or will i find something to hold onto for just a little longer. i gotta admit living day to day finding something or someone to use as a crutch isnt in my list of traits. i can only assume that im writing this out on this blog cause i know no one reads it. life is what you make of it. iv made my life a living hell. there are those in my life who i have looked up to and said yeah they are awesome. and then they kill themselves. sadly for stupid reasons. as i type this im not shaking or even having conflicting thoughts. both of which i know i need to be able to change my outlook on how i see myself and my life. the one thing i cant decide on is if i want to be found or not after my passing. it wouldnt be hard to completely fade away and never be found. i would say this is my one and only cry for help. no one knows. no one thinks im at such a level. i dont want to burden anyone else because of how i have chosen to live my life. i dont even feel bad about anything. just content. i wish i could have been a father. that would have been interesting and fun in my opinion. sadly (or luckily depend ing on how you feel about me) i dont even see myself getting to my 23rd birthday. so kids arent an option in my eyes. besides i already have a brother who has a daughter and a son. my genes arent needed. at least the bloodline is passed on and thats all our society cares about. i feel terrible over how iv treated some people in my life. you dont know what you have till its gone is a sad but true statment. i wish i could go on to have married. again. seems like it could have been fun. i know who i would have married and i like to think she knows it as well. im sorry for the pain that i have caused you and the pain that i am going to cause you. luckily time is awesome and makes people forget things. sadly time isnt a commodity that i have in any abundance in my mind and iv resigned myself to only one line of thinking. iv been cataloging my thoughts and they havnt changed in a couple of weeks. i had been hoping that i would alter my thoughts but it doesnt seem like i have any vested interest in this life any more. i have no wants left. iv by no means lived a tragic life. iv in fact lived a nicer upper middle class life. iv seen friends come and go sometimes through their machinations or my own. iv successfully isolated myself and iv never felt better about it than ever before. there are things i will miss if i can retain my consciousness... fuck that metaphysical bullshit. ok so yeah im going to cause pain and strife in a decent chunk of people for what im deeply deeply contemplating and i still believe it to be my best option. not my only option. simply my best. which is saying a lot given that my life has been exceedingly easy compared to the rest of the world. i will make a final video the day before to make a will of sorts and if possible over ride anyone who tries to lay claim to anything i own. some things are meant for people. simple as that. luckily there are very few things left anymore that hold any importance enough for me to go truely out of my way to make sure get to people. luckily iv been telling people my will for years now. so actually getting it all said and done with could be funny. i expect bets to be made. i wish i could have made her happy. sadly even that seems like something i unable to do. i dont think i was ever even cut out for the position no matter how much i wanted it.

Brain is fuzzy

Just can't seem to slow down my brain function recently. Im thinking of to much wayyyy to fast. Cant really tell what is a idea based in reality or something created from my imagination. Its rather difficult. Well there goes years of training and hundreds if not thousands of dollars.

Vlog idea

ok so i got a new ipod touch 4th generation for those out there that know what it is ITS AWESOME!!! GET ONE NOW! i convinced my girlfriends mom to get one for her and another of my friends is getting one as well. and since it has a nice video player on it i think im going to use it to record a video blog kinda thing. just putting that out there check out my youtube channel if you want to see and of it

Breasts

I dont believe it is humanly possible to explain how much i love breasts. i dont care if they are huge and obnoxious. or small and insignificant. small and saggy to huge and saggy. i love them all. no exceptions. well. i wont nibble if they are like missing parts of them cause of some disease. im not counting breast cancer. i mean like some STD or something that eats your breasts. something like that. yeah... im weird

Options

Sitting here looking up at the computer screen seeing that the wants and needs i have are closer now than they have ever been before i realize the the possibility of achieving the ideals that i have set ahead of myself are to strenuous to achieve. i believe that the $5 i get a day for lunch will add up to enough money by only spending $2 of that a day and ending the week with a total of around $15. that leaves me half way to my first want. the second want is almost unattainable unless i get a job. but by not eating i become unbelievable depressed and sad and no one would hire me cause im such a wreck when i haven't eaten. but if i spend my money on food and then get the job things will work out. sadly the soonest opportunity that i see for a job is mid November that's after objective one has already passed so that option doesn't work. but then it pushes back the date of when i intend to have enough money for option 2. option 3 purely has nothing to do with me it is me trying to be nice and generous in hopes that i will receive the emotional and mental satisfaction that people refer to as a feeling of being accepted i guess. its a concept that makes no sense to me at all. the things that i would like to achieve have never ending loop holes and drawback and none of them hold any concrete ability to help me through anything of any significance. saveing money isnt an option. eating isnt an option. waiting for money to come to me isnt an option.

R~I~P

i finaly was able to get a hold of one of zach's friends that knew his youtube. my thinking at the time of when he was alive was why bother knowing what his youtube is im in almost all of his videos. finally got a hold of the url.

http://www.youtube.com/user/zachary123459

just cant get you off my mind today man. i miss you.