Vlog idea

ok so i got a new ipod touch 4th generation for those out there that know what it is ITS AWESOME!!! GET ONE NOW! i convinced my girlfriends mom to get one for her and another of my friends is getting one as well. and since it has a nice video player on it i think im going to use it to record a video blog kinda thing. just putting that out there check out my youtube channel if you want to see and of it

Breasts

I dont believe it is humanly possible to explain how much i love breasts. i dont care if they are huge and obnoxious. or small and insignificant. small and saggy to huge and saggy. i love them all. no exceptions. well. i wont nibble if they are like missing parts of them cause of some disease. im not counting breast cancer. i mean like some STD or something that eats your breasts. something like that. yeah... im weird

Options

Sitting here looking up at the computer screen seeing that the wants and needs i have are closer now than they have ever been before i realize the the possibility of achieving the ideals that i have set ahead of myself are to strenuous to achieve. i believe that the $5 i get a day for lunch will add up to enough money by only spending $2 of that a day and ending the week with a total of around $15. that leaves me half way to my first want. the second want is almost unattainable unless i get a job. but by not eating i become unbelievable depressed and sad and no one would hire me cause im such a wreck when i haven't eaten. but if i spend my money on food and then get the job things will work out. sadly the soonest opportunity that i see for a job is mid November that's after objective one has already passed so that option doesn't work. but then it pushes back the date of when i intend to have enough money for option 2. option 3 purely has nothing to do with me it is me trying to be nice and generous in hopes that i will receive the emotional and mental satisfaction that people refer to as a feeling of being accepted i guess. its a concept that makes no sense to me at all. the things that i would like to achieve have never ending loop holes and drawback and none of them hold any concrete ability to help me through anything of any significance. saveing money isnt an option. eating isnt an option. waiting for money to come to me isnt an option.

R~I~P

i finaly was able to get a hold of one of zach's friends that knew his youtube. my thinking at the time of when he was alive was why bother knowing what his youtube is im in almost all of his videos. finally got a hold of the url.

http://www.youtube.com/user/zachary123459

just cant get you off my mind today man. i miss you.

ill help

i want to help but i dont know how to say please ask me. i will do what i can but i have to be asked to help first i wont move till im asked to help. Ill do whatever i can do as a guy that is a relationship can. all i can do is be someone there to talk to.

Alien Swarm

Ok so there is this one graphics engine out there called the source engine. it was developed by a company called Valve. they are a highly successful company cause they bought out the company gearbox after it released a popular game titled Half Life. Half life is a chemical term that im not going to get into cause its annoying to explain in letters.there was a mod made for this game half life. this mod was called alien swarm. about 10 years later valve decided they wanted more money. so they made half life 2. turns out they did a fucking heroic job on it and its heralded as the best game of all time. i personally think that is complete shit. but oh well im just one voice among millions. so the people who made the mod for the original half life game were like. we can top that. so they try making a version the game that runs on the source engine v2.0 cause version 1 is buggy and not many people like it. it took them 5 years. but they pulled it off. and the best part. the game doesn't need the original half life 2 game to play. its a stand alone. all you need is a steam account. which is free. its an amazing game. GO GET IT!!! or else ill shank a bed post with a plastic spoon!

cause i can

ok so i have second degree burns on my back. and the air conditioning in my house just died. and tomorrow is a day when its going to be in the 90s FUCK MY LIFE!!!! and my room is customized to keep heat in. (i re did all the insulation) i have a super retarded shorttemper as is cause of all the pain. the ac dieing was close to the last straw. i want to strangle random things. and there is nothing to strangle. damn. hm. this will be righted. some how someway. oai;shg;ioasdfhng'pzsdjg'apsdjohg IT HOT IN HERE!!. i even opend up the whole office room im in. (there are actualy 2 doors but it looks like there is just one)

New Layout

its 1:15 in the morning. i need to go to bed before i have a creative outburst.

I should just keep my mouth shut

Apparently im not being nice. apparently im being a dick. well... odds are im being a dick. but im trying to help. i help by opening your eyes. not closing them. if its little things like your lactose intolerant. yes ill give a shit and say don't eat milk based things. but if its breakdowns or extreme sadness. i will give a shit but i wont tell you its going to be nice and happy. im going to try and help you learn. you dont seem to want to learn. you don't internalize it. you just say HI!!! your not fun! Bye!. and thats it. you think its some huge process. its not. your letting your life where very little is wrong get to you. your grandma is on dialysis. shes old. she had a good run. let go. your dad had back surgery. OK. that's great. try living with a 60 year old diabetic mood swinging over achieving nosy prick. you were over the other day when my mom was making me review. imagine that every day for that past 8 years. my dog is going to die almost any day now. yes ill be super sad but i wont let it get in the way of my life. ill mourn for about a week or so. then move on. i have life to live, you do to. don't let things that really arnt that big of a deal get you down. you have a life to live. whether its with me or not. as long as your alive. Whenever i try and help it is never seen as help until at least years down the road or you are to fucked up in the head to see what im doing. so i dont expect you to like what im saying or to think "oh he might have a point" i lived through harder shit than you. i realise that your much more family oriented than me. you actualy have a family that just "talks" to you. one that realises that you arnt what they want you to be all the time. mine is constantly... i dont think its worth getting into that you were over the other day. i think you have a good idea. and the phone call just this morning. you remember how long i was standing outside just waiting for my mom to shut up about nothing. i cant have a normal conversation with my parents without it turning to school work. it just doesnt happen. seeing as how these are just words on a screen i dont think this will affect you to badly. seeing as how odds are you wont even read this for about another month. unless kiz or someone tells you about it. why cant you just live with things? wake up and say hello life i hate you. and then carry on with your day. just leave it at that. say it out loud if you need to. just all this sadness is getting in the way of your life. im gonna stop before i stay up the whole night.

Something to think about

Depression - It makes such interesting occurrences in lives. It comes and goes as it pleases without your consent. It always comes cloaked in the guise of something less hopeless. That which sends shivers throughout your spine. The electricity running through your body is to such an extreme you can barely handle. Then it all stops. It just stops. As quickly as it came. Sadly it will be back. It always comes back.

Do it again and ill kill you. Simple as that.

the other one

Flying thought the air as if she had wings in her feet, Cristiene bounded with little ambition for the smaller things in life prefering to fly through the air like a prancing gazelle. Most angles/deamons preferred to stick to the ground wishing animosity over publication. but not Crisitene. she wanted to fly and she wanted everyone to know it.

Cristiene being amazing in anything and everything was not often told to land or yelled at for getting in others ways. they way she flew could only be explained as art. every muscle in her body had been memorized by all the males that went to her school. all envious that she had never taken a male for herself thinking that she is above all of the drama of relationships. having the perfect lips, hips that would make any man jealous, thighs that accentuate her figure, beautiful green eyes that seem to pierce through any and all make of people. the most beautiful white fluffy wings that could at will be turned into a cloak or any other form of clothing.
when she landed the grass layed down to cushion her decent even when they didn't need to knowing full well she would land with little more than the light nuisance at knowing that gravity had returned. as usual the boys from class A-1 were there to try and convince her that she should go out with them to a diner or to watch humans or some other form of perverse entertainment. she might have the body but not the will to do anything of that nature.
Since an angels/deamons wings were controlled with the mind of the user if someone was shocked their wings in whatever form they were supposed to be in could almost to fast for the eye to tell a difference change back from something like clothes to small compact wings on their back. Because of this on school grounds it was not allowed to startle a deamon or angle for any reason. Most of the teachers wore actual clothing for the very reason that if a young deamon or angle got a little agitated at their instructor they could startle them and embarrass them in the middle of class.
Cristiene walking past all of the wooing boys trying to keep her mind on the wonderful flight she had just had didn't notice that some of the older boys were waiting outside her classroom and without a second thought she walked right past them and they trying to be cool and "professional" kept starting down the hall ignoring her completely.
the three older boys that were outside of the room were her older brothers. they were at least three times her size. but also three times her strength. they made sure to look after their little sister knowing full well that some of the other little angels and deamons could get a little rowdy sometimes. the three brothers were almost always around to help Cristiene when she needed it. most of the time she didn't.
it is said that in their family they are most closely related to Gabriel but there is a little demonic blood that seems to have somehow gotten into the family tree. most notably on Anton , The oldest of the three brothers, he was born with a beautiful shade of purple wings that he was able to use almost at birth.
Cristiene seemed to get none of the "cursed" blood as some would call it. even after the Angles and Deamons desegregation act 14 millenia ago there was still some anger felt between the two similar and all together different races.
since Cristiene and her brothers are of "noble blood" they can go to any school they wish. their parents being one of the family's that headed the Angles and Deamons desegregation act insisted that all of their children go to combined schools.

Cristiene finally able to sit down in her desk summoned her materials for school out of her wings. the wings opened up perfectly and displayed a quill and some spare paper she had placed in there earlier.
"HAY! Cristiene! HAY! you all there in the head?", asked Nathan as he walked up from in front of her attempting to not startle her.
"Hi Nathan" she responded with as much enthusiasm as she could muster.
Nathan takes this as a sign that she wanted to talk instead of getting the hint that she wanted to be left alone continued the conversation.
"I saw you fly in today. How do you fly like that every day and never get tired?" he asked.
"Its simple. I exercise my whole body not just my muscles" she said adding a little hint of sarcasm and venom in hopes that he'd get the hint and buzz off like a good little pixy.
getting the hint "Alright ill talk to you later i still have some things to get to before class starts" he says as he turns and walks over to his bench.
Today of all days she had to be guarded. today was a field trip day. sure field trips are fun. if you have people to go along with you. but Cristiene didn't have many angles she could really call her friend. field trip usually included some group of random males trying to get her to hang out with them sometime. or to "help them out with something" or some odd thing or another.
The teacher finally walking in wearing some odd form of clothing that he didn't seem at all comfortable in wearing. and speaking in his oddly nasally voice for and angle.
"Ok class as you all know we are going on a field trip today to Earth to view how earth people get from one place to another."
The class being full of hopeless idiots roars in happiness thinking that its just a great thing that they get to go to earth for a little while. woo hoo. big deal.
Since her brothers are to old to be in her class she will be going on this field trip alone. with her class but in that sense she is still alone. only able to fly as if goddess herself had imbued her wings.
on the matter of goddess. no one really likes god cause he and Zeus (another god. a different religion but still another god nonetheless) used to play cards with Yahweh and some of the other gods and goddesses. and one night they got a little to rowdy and leveled a couple of city's and ended a civilization or two on earth. since time has little meaning it looks like they were all random events when in actuality its cause god (god god) was to busy throwing a fit cause he was losing at cards. and Zeus in retaliation was throwing thunder bolts at god and god being god just deflected them and instead of canceling them out they struck earth all at different times and in different ages.
Goddess in her need to cover for her clumsy husband did everything she could to help the waining humans who in their plight prayed to all the gods that had ever existed giving all of the god near unlimited power. In her wisdom she was able to get almost all of the gods and goddesses to help with the reforming of the failing earth.
Needless to say. angels and deamons don't like god much. hes a stupid drunk.

As the predominately angle class walked to the courtyard of the school where some of the stronger more holy and demonically attuned were in a trance with runes carved into the ground and drawn on their bodies. the trance seemed as is if it was a dance that when watched it looked simple and as if anyone could pick up the dance and do it themselves. but upon further inspection it is near impossible to get all of the intricacies correct. the foot movements to he hand movements to the body movements. one was required for the other to be correct. of the times the portal opening had failed it was always something minor it was near impossible or something bad to happen.
goddess surprisingly made an appearance at the beginning of the field trip to wish everyone luck. normally this would be a momentous occasion but as of right now nothing could seem to perk me up out of my gloom.
"ugh" Cristiene said out loud. if only my brothers were here she thought. if they were here i wouldn't have to be alone and have no one to talk to on this stupid field trip.
the summoners were nearing the crescendo of the summoning where it is the best possible time to cross from the one world to the other.
The portal changed from a white hue to a much darker shade of purple as the demonic energy was influxed into the mix of magik.
Cristiene watched with increased intensity waiting for the spell to reach its climax. even tho she was very uninterested in the field trip as a whole. spell weaving was something she enjoyed to no end. so watching a spell of this magnitude was like treating a small child to desert after a slim meal.
The air crackled with energy. even though lightning wasn't required for this type of spell you still felt the hair raise on the back of your neck in anticipation for the coming light.

cause im bored

Introduction


Now usually a story starts off with once upon at time or some other macabre form of introduction and in hopes that this story is introduced just a little different we will start with the beginning of the story instead of the end and then jump back to the beginning. its creates unwanted and unneeded tension if your as good a story teller as i.
This is not a story about boy meets girl, boy is endangered and goes on a almost Rambo style killing spree, or any other form of standard plot or story line. if you dont like my story then thats just to bad cause if your still reading this im going to assume that you would like to hear it. turn off the computer and go outside. cause everyone knows you dont see enough sun as is. im sitting here actually typing up this wonderful little story that i dont even know im going to write yet im just putting words on a page wasting time in hopes that a good idea comes to mind. so far nothing remarkably remarkable has popped into this head of mine. well just start off and hope for the best.

as memory serves it was a cool summer morning. rather rare but still it was a little chilly non the less. standing out on his porch drinking his coffee, wearing a bathrobe, waiting for the morning paper, contemplating the white picket fence, surveying his lawn, and comparing it to his neighbors. Mr. James lived a life of normalcy that dictated little else.
He worked a dead end job in the middle of Chicago for just enough pay an hour to keep the electricity and just enough for food twice a day. His wife, Mrs. James, worked at the local grocery store in a managership position. the two of them brought in a good enough income for an average family of 2.7 children. With one in junior high, another in grade school, and one still in diapers. their family was a parade of normalcy. their life was a parade of normalcy.
Then it all went downhill as Mr. James was laid off right after summer started. his only friend that had stayed with him through highschool decided to run with his at the time girlfriend had his daddy hook him up with a nice job in a nice high rise office coincidentally in the same area as Mr. James. Mr. Smith, Mr. James's old friend, had asked Mr. James to fax a document from one floor of the building to another for him seeing as how he had no time to get it done himself. being so busy and all. Mr. James being the one on the lower pay cut agreed to fax the paper. seeing as how what had happened between then was many years in the past he had no reason to be suspicious.
following procedure Mr. James put the document face down in the fax machine dialed in the number of the floor that is was being sent to when he started thinking.
Since Mr. Smith is such a big shot executive doesn't he have a fax machine in his office?
Mr. James thought this thought a little to late as the fax machine started to smoke and as he frantically tried to cancel the command it lit on fire.
there had been a full ream of paper in the machine as the fire caught hold and started spreading to the machine next to it.
Mr. James is frantically yelling for someone to help wondering why no one is there to help him put out a fire that could endanger the lives of other and not just his own.
The fire moving as if by its own will lept up the wall of the cubicle up against the fax machine.

Gut Wretching Feeling

i wish this pain that i feel in my heart could just get up and leave and at the same time i dont. cause if it leaves then i will have lost something important to me. something that helped me from my hell. I know all i did was just smile and say it was alright. but it wasnt. i was lieing through my teeth. this pain. it doesnt subside. it doesnt leave. it sits in my heart and my stomach gnawing at my evey move to save what was once mine. i dont publicise who im with and what i do. i keep my mouth shut cause i know it will hurt you but i tell you if you ask cause i care about you and i dotn want to ever lie or do you wrong unless its to keep you happy. but when you plaster thigns that i never had the certoucy of doing with you iget jealous cause i know you were closer to me than you are to him now. im sad that you ended what we had. im sorry i buried it. if only we could just kiss and make up. but its not that simple. it never is. there was a we, an us. but it died with those fateful words. could it be once again in the future? mabey who knows. only time will tell. im expecting a 5 paragraph essay explaing how im wrong. cause odds are ill get it either public or private. one thing is certain thogh wether you believe it or not. rawr

Croissant Hot pockets

They blow dont buy them go with the originals.

-Id like to thank spell check for stopping me from saying crissaunts instead of croissant

looking up

i guess my life is looking better. i haven't really felt any better im actually getting really sick recently. not really showing it. im able to cover up my pain with excessive happiness. so far everyone thinks im a okay. i guess it works. kinda wondering when people will catch on. i realized that if i acted depressed people would notice and one of my friends who i don't tell anything to realized i was very sad and had come up to me. it was shortly after i had been booted out of my most recent relationship. and yeah so if i act really happy no one will notice will they? i dont think so :) Kevin wins

Why

I wish i could tell you how i feel. but you wouldn't believe me. i did what i have done because i loved you. i did what i have done because i care. i cover everything by being self centered you know this. I saw from my twisted point of view that im not the one for you. all i can be in your mind is a hook up. sorry but that's how i see it. i really did care about you but just 2 weeks after we break up you starting going out with another guy. i restrain myself thinking she cares she just needed to get away from me. that she needed to be in a relationship that is less serious. then in my suicidal depressing i fucked someone else. i hurt you . i decided i could use this circumstance to my advantage. i could get you to hate me. if the pain is strong enough you'll forget. at least so i thought. your different. your not the same. after all of the pain that was given to me by you cause of what i had done i thought deserved it. i loved you and i went out and fucked someone that said they liked me. i was so sad that i did something like that. i was sad so i invited 2 people i liked to hang out with 2 of my best friends. thinking it was just gonna be a regular night and nothing weird. were watching horror movies and cause of all the glorification of death i walk out of the room and just sit on the computer in the other room where i can see or hear the tv. 15 minutes later someone who cares about my well being. or at least is doing a wonderful job of faking it. walks in and sits in the chair next to me. she tries getting me to talk. i tell her id rather listen talking seems beyond me. cause honestly i was having flashbacks that involve my last love. someone who cared about me but always said that i never loved her and that if i cared i wouldn't do this or do that. gives me a kiss on the lips and i push her away shes the last thing i need at the moment so she is content to just sit next to me. and now were actually pretty good friends. i don't judge people on what they do to others. cause everyone acts different to other people. so i don't judge. im sorry if she hurt you. but that's between you and her don't drag me into that mess please. i cared so i pushed away id rectify what iv done but i don't see how. and besides i have a penis i cant think for myself and i have the IQ of a gerbil.

The Shift

This silent fight is wearing me thin. The hopes and dreams of being able to one day reclaim what feels as if was lost fades like a memory of a long lost piece of memorabilia. The pain of knowing it will not be the same unless she gets hurt and calls begging for help in that way she asks saying i called you out of everyone. the ability to see that it will happen again and again and ill end up saving her all the time. growing close to someone is a luxury i shouldn't indulge. but you do. you profess your love. and only after you decide im not what can help you throw me to the side to wither and die. in my need to feel loved i scream save me. someone responds. we go far. and then you follow my example. don't ever follow my example. Everything that comes out of my mouth is laced in the venom of jealousy that hunger to have what is no longer there. after you hurt me i hurt you and then you hurt me. im afraid of what ill do next. its something you specifically asked me not to do. i didn't promise you so i would assume it will be alright except that will seal that door of my life that i shared with you. im a crossroads. short term happiness or long term pain. Do i let my feelings be subsided and feel the warmth of another on my skin or save you whenever you want. everyone is telling me to leave you to die. i dont want to. your what opened my eyes just that little bit. while it wasn't much it was enough for me to see something to care about. something to hold in my arms and be proud of. what i saw we had was something beautiful. and in a heart beat it was snatched away. I will always be there i say but i don't think you want me anymore. all i am is a fall back option. no matter how badly i want to stay by your side if you keep pushing me away i will stand up and walk out. you say you cant help it and its just how you are and that there is no way you can change willingly. if that's the case your willingly changing right now. I will be here as long as you want. i may be beaten and bettered at the end. but i will be here taking the verbal abuse. i know im selfish. iv told you this.

The Fear

the pain of the cold that moves up and down my spine ending at the base of my skull leaves an uneasy feeling of sadness and inability in my head accompanied with the knowledge that it wont be all right in the end. feelings will be hurt. people will change. the anger and fear that is mixing in my body is a volatile mix spiraling out of control. and with no substance its not tangible so to understand it is to be those emotions roiling out of control and only being held back the fear of the unknown the possibility that things will get worse instead of better. so i sit here and wilt in my chair as i look up at the screen and see that there is no hope