Still Alive

i was told to keep a journal. since i cant bring myself to write and i find that typing is simply faster id rather go about it in this sense. my thoughts my feelings my actions. today i hung out with madeline for the first time in a very long time. and the last time we hung out it was not a good time. i ruined all of her fun. i couldnt control my anxiety and i shut down. being around her again was the most liberating feeling iv felt in a very long time. shes all that causes the sun to shine in my bleak world. she is also the only one that can cause natural disasters in my life. because of such a thing i cant get over my love for her nor do i want to. this sounds callous but iv resigned myself to the fact that im going to love her until i die. these past 5 years didnt stop us from associating. i constantly am wondering what is madeline doing. does she think of me the way i think of her. is she alright. has anyone hurt her. if so where can i find them type stuff. she actually makes me smile. i like to think that when she smiles around me that it is if anything for the most part a real smile. i wish i could stop being fucking nuts so that madeline and i could get along better. i know that its mainly problems on my end. im too quick to suspect her of anything and everything.. those emotions of confusion and frustration build up and burst out in of course the most frustrating ways. due to this i keep going in between wanting to live so maybe i can become someone she wants to be with or if i should just end my life because i want to love her more but i panic over our stupid past i just want us to be able to be happy and together if best. those are my thoughts feelings and actions. madeline.