The Shift

This silent fight is wearing me thin. The hopes and dreams of being able to one day reclaim what feels as if was lost fades like a memory of a long lost piece of memorabilia. The pain of knowing it will not be the same unless she gets hurt and calls begging for help in that way she asks saying i called you out of everyone. the ability to see that it will happen again and again and ill end up saving her all the time. growing close to someone is a luxury i shouldn't indulge. but you do. you profess your love. and only after you decide im not what can help you throw me to the side to wither and die. in my need to feel loved i scream save me. someone responds. we go far. and then you follow my example. don't ever follow my example. Everything that comes out of my mouth is laced in the venom of jealousy that hunger to have what is no longer there. after you hurt me i hurt you and then you hurt me. im afraid of what ill do next. its something you specifically asked me not to do. i didn't promise you so i would assume it will be alright except that will seal that door of my life that i shared with you. im a crossroads. short term happiness or long term pain. Do i let my feelings be subsided and feel the warmth of another on my skin or save you whenever you want. everyone is telling me to leave you to die. i dont want to. your what opened my eyes just that little bit. while it wasn't much it was enough for me to see something to care about. something to hold in my arms and be proud of. what i saw we had was something beautiful. and in a heart beat it was snatched away. I will always be there i say but i don't think you want me anymore. all i am is a fall back option. no matter how badly i want to stay by your side if you keep pushing me away i will stand up and walk out. you say you cant help it and its just how you are and that there is no way you can change willingly. if that's the case your willingly changing right now. I will be here as long as you want. i may be beaten and bettered at the end. but i will be here taking the verbal abuse. i know im selfish. iv told you this.

The Fear

the pain of the cold that moves up and down my spine ending at the base of my skull leaves an uneasy feeling of sadness and inability in my head accompanied with the knowledge that it wont be all right in the end. feelings will be hurt. people will change. the anger and fear that is mixing in my body is a volatile mix spiraling out of control. and with no substance its not tangible so to understand it is to be those emotions roiling out of control and only being held back the fear of the unknown the possibility that things will get worse instead of better. so i sit here and wilt in my chair as i look up at the screen and see that there is no hope