Why

I wish i could tell you how i feel. but you wouldn't believe me. i did what i have done because i loved you. i did what i have done because i care. i cover everything by being self centered you know this. I saw from my twisted point of view that im not the one for you. all i can be in your mind is a hook up. sorry but that's how i see it. i really did care about you but just 2 weeks after we break up you starting going out with another guy. i restrain myself thinking she cares she just needed to get away from me. that she needed to be in a relationship that is less serious. then in my suicidal depressing i fucked someone else. i hurt you . i decided i could use this circumstance to my advantage. i could get you to hate me. if the pain is strong enough you'll forget. at least so i thought. your different. your not the same. after all of the pain that was given to me by you cause of what i had done i thought deserved it. i loved you and i went out and fucked someone that said they liked me. i was so sad that i did something like that. i was sad so i invited 2 people i liked to hang out with 2 of my best friends. thinking it was just gonna be a regular night and nothing weird. were watching horror movies and cause of all the glorification of death i walk out of the room and just sit on the computer in the other room where i can see or hear the tv. 15 minutes later someone who cares about my well being. or at least is doing a wonderful job of faking it. walks in and sits in the chair next to me. she tries getting me to talk. i tell her id rather listen talking seems beyond me. cause honestly i was having flashbacks that involve my last love. someone who cared about me but always said that i never loved her and that if i cared i wouldn't do this or do that. gives me a kiss on the lips and i push her away shes the last thing i need at the moment so she is content to just sit next to me. and now were actually pretty good friends. i don't judge people on what they do to others. cause everyone acts different to other people. so i don't judge. im sorry if she hurt you. but that's between you and her don't drag me into that mess please. i cared so i pushed away id rectify what iv done but i don't see how. and besides i have a penis i cant think for myself and i have the IQ of a gerbil.